I keep moving a few feet in a different direction expecting to feel more comfortable there, and finding I still feel like I have electricity running across my bare skin.
We are inches away from having our first real foothold onto our dream, and it’s crushing me.
It’s been 3 years since we moved to Florida, and in that time Jade and I have been looking to follow through on the reason we moved – Chill Strawberry. This was and is the largest deciding factor for making this unsettling move.
Brief Primer: Chill Strawberry is our artistic endeavor to create interactive and explorable experiences for families (both adults and children)
Within the first year, we were able to share a space and open up for Halloween and Christmas. It’s no exaggeration that it took everything I had to get it open and even that wasn’t truly enough.
I lost something like 50 pounds during it’s build.
I ended up working frequently from 4am to 8pm.
I had several days where I only didn’t walk away because our friend was still painting something.
We ran at capacity and couldn’t handle the demand. People loved it. It was an artistic success, but it was ephemeral.
We were literally kicked out of the space the day after Christmas and, as we hurriedly shoved everything into a series of U-Hauls, I was done. I said several times that we should throw everything away, and I meant it. Diverting one of the trucks onto the route to the dump before being talked out of it.
Eventually it was all packed away in a series of pricey storage lockers.
Jade and I would spend the next 2 years looking for a space to occupy, and, while we got close a few times, nothing was ever able to actually happen.
All that time searching, I didn’t forget how hard the first year was, but it did get less vivid.
*Cut to early August of this year*
We found a space in a warehouse block that seemed like a good fit with an owner that understood what we were looking to achieve. We working with permitting and regulation until late September when I thought we’d gone as far as we could without signing the lease, so we signed.
Everything with the building following the signature has been difficult. None of it could have been avoided on our end because the owner and, soon after, the management company revealed that they had inaccurately portrayed the state of the building and the per month cost.
To be honest, it’s been terrible with the building and its management for over a month at this point – and, as a people pleaser, I’ve had to have a lot of conversations that I never wanted to have…am still having those types of semi-legal conversations.
As of writing this, the status of the lease and agreement, etc is still in flux, but I haven’t stopped moving forward on the project.
As of today, barring any last minute negotiations by either the owner or the management company, we are almost certainly going to be putting on events in this new, yet-to-be-named, rented warehouse.
*This is Different than What We Wanted & I’m feeling is in every part of me*
We did all our negotiations and planning based on a 2-month build for Christmas. But the many issues we’ve faced have pushed the build back to something like 2.5 weeks (and that’s accounting for limited hours and delayed start date).
On a regular project, that would be an insane amount of pressure, but this project is even more so.
As we’ve encountered obstacles and been forced to recalculate our event plans, I’ve had to come to realize that I never ever fully dealt with the PSD I have from the previous Christmas build.
I’d like to laugh my feelings/nerves/restlessness off, but it’s too pervasive. It’s too scary.
I’m squirmy about this – like a kindergartener who needs to pee but the teacher won’t let him go. I’m worried I’m not up to the task. I’m worried that my kids will feel ignored. I’m scared of what this actually means for me and my family’s lives.
I hope I’m at the cusp of bringing something amazing into the world – and I hope that with everything I have, but I’m afraid that it will all come apart. I feel both things intensely at all times.
I’m sharing this now not because I want Christmas or our event to seem scary or challenging to you. I also don’t want to tint your impression of the event when you come see it. But, I have to tell someone.
These big swings, huge risks…they’re hard. They’re hard in every part of you all the way down to your bones.
And, the people around you – it’s not hard for them at all. They’re living their own lives and your impossible task doesn’t weight down on them in the lease.
I think what Jade and I are doing with our lives and with Chill Strawberry is important and special and really unique, but I daily have to balance the emotional cost of these projects and figure out what I can/can’t handle.