**Updated 03/2024 : A virus hit the site, this post was a victim. As I re-reading before re-posting, it felt incomplete. The post was originally published 5/24/18, Augustine was 3…maybe this was the complete thought then, but here’s the original + some more.**
Getting hit by your child is a special moment for any parent.
Most of the time you know she wouldn’t hit her teachers or friends. So these loose fisted swats are just for you. Which makes every smack is a unique moment she wouldn’t share with anyone else, and they are definitely moments becuase kids aren’t swinging wildly like they’re at some drunken bar brawl – they take their time and really care to aim for your something specifically vulnerable….like your head, mainly your face.
Augustine hits.
When she hits me, I feel like an enlightened, evolved man. The moment washes over me…after all, I’m here to help. I feel good about myself because I feel like I’m better than previous generations. More specifically, I think back on the parenting of yesteryear and am so thankful that (unlike those dopes) I understand that she’s not acting out against me, she has no ill will, etc. I’m smart and up-to-date…I know she’s involving me in her own problems.
But, it’s not all ego…responding lackadaisically to a punch is also because I know that I could be part of the solution. I feel the swat for what it is – a sever expression of frustration. I’m actually really grateful that it doesn’t cause me to act out back at her and in fact doesn’t really upset me on any visceral, physical level at all….
…mentally though – emotionally – it does bother me. It bothers me a lot, because I just want to help her to not feel bad…not feel like the only way she can express her hurt is with a swing…
…Back to the hitting…
These moments, semi-regular but still surprising, they’ve become something of a choreographed dance.
Sure, being hit by my daughter might be special, but my first attempt at a solution is always to avoid her swings.
I don’t count/address her failed attempts – the swats that don’t land. This keeps the situation more about the ‘actual problem’; if I’m not actually hit then the thing I’m parenting doesn’t change. We’re still drilling down to uncover the issue that’s causing the outburst instead of having to pile on an anti-hitting parenting lesson on top. To that end, I’ve found a few places to tuck my head – or – positions that I can hold her that make it infinitely harder for her to land a punch
(Pro-tip : my current favorite is my forehead tucked right behind her shoulder blade. She still thinks hitting me is possible but it is in fact impossible for her to do in this position).
From my strategic position, I do my best calming voice to talk her down and ask a few targeted questions to get at what’s really bothering her. (Why does this dress suddenly suck? Is the cheese the real problem? Did ‘Pete the Cat’ offend you?)
BUT, no position is full proof and, if she doesn’t give up, Augustine eventually can land a really solid wack.
The first good, clean smack causes a temporary time vortex. Augustine looks at the spot she hit and then back in my eyes for a reaction (She’d come off like a back-ally, stone cold boxer if her mouth wasn’t so awestruck…a mix of immense wonder and surprise)
The first hit changes the situation. Now I have to balance double issue parenting. I have help her understand that hitting is bad on top of trying to breakdown any and all of the secret underlying issues.
The truth is, this hasn’t worked out once. Whenever she has hit me, the resolution has always ended up being just about the hitting. Whatever the real issue I just swallowed up and tucked away. So – we’re really not solving anything.
Let me explain – after a few failed ideas and a conversation with our doctor – my general hitting response is:
Me: Did you hit me? You need to say sorry.
A : No, Sorry
Me: Ok, I have to go away now because you hit. We’ll play again after you say sorry.
(I don’t make it out of the room – fountain of tears)
A : Don’t leave. Stay. Want you. Don’t leave. (Curls up in fetal position and sucks thumb.)
We’re just treating the symptoms. Yes, the situation is over. Yes, Augustine is calm, but whatever the actual issue was gone into hiding. Sure, the emotion has stopped, but nothing was solved.
When Augustine hits – I get frustrated because I’ve done my best to help her and have failed. I’d love to say “I’m working on a new idea” but I’m not. I’m just going through the above script every few days hoping that the sheer repetition will force a change in her.
2024
Repeating this (more or less) for the past few years never did really work.
No, Augustine doesn’t really hit anymore. Sure, there’s the once-and-awhile pulled punch that’s intended to show that she wants to hit but knows she shouldn’t, but instead her form of big emotional expression is yelling (sometimes is a really weird growling voice). Well that and in the last two weeks she’s leaned heavily on calling me “stupid head’…which I’m not sure is meant to be real or is meant to be another pulled punch.
Either way, it’s the same situation…that helpless explosion that doesn’t in any way shed light on why she’s upset.
This is still what bothers me the most about any expressions of frustration or anger that are projected ‘at’ me by Augustine…I just want to help her, I don’t know how, and being smacked or yelled at doesn’t help me better evaluate the situation. I know that whatever is leading to the outburst is a big feeling (not in the ‘right word choice for modern parents’ sort of way but in the real – ‘you’re really feeling something terrible that can only come out in this bad expression’ – sort of way). And, it’s so frustrating that the only tools/ways she has to express herself is a hit or a yell or a door slam because none of that helps me get down to the real problem which would lead, ultimately, to her feeling better.
Do I have any new tools now that I’ve been going through this for 6 additional years…not really. She’s more cognitive and verbal not (obviously) so I rely more and more on her telling me outright what’s bothering her…but I have to know this will never work. Right?!?!
I mean, can you imagine being super angry at the world…idk…one of those things that just like:
- ‘birds are terrible’
- ‘why are the spoons mixed with the forks’
- ‘life is just an endless sea of tasks and I don’t care that much about my teeth’
….one of those things, and then someone asking you ‘what’s up’ and you just…you know….just telling them. Just giving them a direct problem for them to help solve.
I can’t.
Maybe it’s just me, but, when I’m really upset, the only solution that I find satisfying is if the person opposite me (unfortunately for my wife) can obliquely guess and solve the problem with zero hints or input.
Yes, I’m part of the problem…maybe the OG problem-generator. But, most of you don’t know this because I would never expect a friend to guess and solve my secret problem. These are just for the people who really know me.
And, that’s why every yell, door slam, stupid-head is terrible, soul-crushing, and special…from my daughter or from me…because she/I would never do this to someone we didn’t immensely love. She doesn’t do this at school and I…umm….me…. (well, I don’t go anywhere…so….back to her). These are the moments that make parenting hard but also are only available to the parent. These are part of the special things that make us a family, and decide how tight we are for the next 40 years.
Maybe people should take this into account when they say things like ‘cherish these moments’.
“Cherish the name calling and face slaps, they don’t last forever.”
My only new idea is to try and figure out the issues before-and-after the emotional explosion. Keep up with what’s going on in her life so that I can possibly secretly-solve the problems as they occur. And, oh my god, is that a lot of work…but it does actually seem to occasionally work.