It’s been about 16 months, and this is day one…
I never wanted to stop writing or talking or really pause/end/halt/cease/take-a-break-from anything I was doing. Sure, things were far from perfect, but I was convinced that everything I wanted was just on the other side of all the work I was giving myself.
It’s how I see the world : 100% of everything I want is on the other side of the projects I do.
See, I was on a really bumpy path and I was making headway. No one in that situation would ever want to stop living a life like that. In fact, I felt the exact opposite. All I wanted to do was do more, go further, level up.
So…the last year and a half have been uneasy…
November 2022 brought and end to things
It was a double punch. First, this was right at the end of my wife’s maternity leave. So, my share of parenting grew exponentially larger. And, at the same time, every single website I was running was infected by a virus that essentially wiped them out. So, basically overnight I went from full-throttle to having no time to work and nowhere to work.
Up to that point, my life felt more of less like I was running in sand. Then suddenly in November, I found myself running through a swamp.
Of course, this is only one side of my situation and – now that this looks like the first day that I’m done sloshing around – the past seems much better. But…
it’s just….
you see…
….all I’ve only ever wanted to do with my life is make and do (for lack of a better general term) *art*. All I’ve wanted to be is an art-monster.
I’m not that.
A huge part of who I am…a sometimes/regularly crushingly overwhelming chunk of me, is a Dad.
So…I might have been trying to sprint through knee-deep Bog-of-Sadness swamp-water as a creator for the past year, but at the same time I was the running though sand as a parent.
SITK (Single Income Two Kids)
As you know from when I first started writing about parenting – nearly 8 years ago – I always figured I’d be a parent at some point, but that the point came way before I was ready. Still, with Augustine, Jade and I were able to raise her together – with Jade being the backstop in nearly every situation. So, yes, our first kid changed my trajectory and free time, but not entirely. Atlas has been a different situation.
Maybe Jade was better at parenting, or maybe she just hid her difficulties better than me, or maybe she’s just better at life. Whatever it is, raising Augustine together did not prepare me for trading places with Jade and taking over as the de facto problem solver.
I was not prepared for the amount of time and effort that goes into raising an infant. I was not prepared to have everything else that had been taking up my time and effort dropped into a lake of mud.
I was not prepared / I didn’t see it coming / I didn’t think it would happen to me
Like Atreyu pulling Artrax, at first it seemed like a no brainer to walk my creator self through the swamp of parenting. Then, when I finally realized how sticky and all-consuming parenting was, moving forward became more like me just pulling on the bridal of my work-self while screaming, ‘you have to keep going’. And finally, I just sat on a turtle’s back, gave into the enviable and watched as my creative-life sank into the mire – dead.
This sounds bleak – I know…I’ve swallowed a lot feelings, experienced a lot of big emotions, and been pretty uncomfortable for awhile. But, you know me, and, look, my favorite thing this week is Atlas dancing – like really throwing down – every time “Are You Ready For It” comes on. So, – basically – I contain multitudes. I can be sad and happy.
So, sure, we left off with my life was drowning in the bog of sadness, but – me – I’m there sitting on a turtle’s back…crying but alive.
AND remember, if not for the Bog of Sadness eating Artrax, Atreyu wouldn’t have gone on the magical quest – which is the entire movie and is everything we love about The Neverending Story. Think about it, it’s not a movie about a solo ranger on a horse traveling the land – the whole movie is what Atreyu does after Artrax dies.
So, my actor/producer/musician self died, AND, because of that, I can confidently say – that everything Atlas is (or isn’t) can at least in some part be contributed to me. When I wasn’t sulking (which mostly only happened late a night, curled up on my side, unable to sleep thinking bout what I wasn’t acomplishing), I was 100% present in our family.
Which…now that I might be on the other side and I’m looking back…is/was awesome.
This right here is how I felt raising Augustine and it’s even more how I feel with Atlas :
I’m not able to look back and say ‘I wish I did more, cherished the time more’, etc. I did that. I was totally there and whatever I remember or hold close or have completely forgotten, I was fully a part of. I didn’t miss-out on either of my kid’s lives.
I did it. I went to the thing. I played on the structure. I organized the event. For about a year and a half solid…I did the thing.
And today I stopped.
This morning rang in the first day of preschool for Atlas. Which means – barring any biting, aggressive hugging or repeated balls thrown at unsuspecting kids – I’ve reached my own Fantasia and Atrax is back.
Starting today, I have 3 dedicated and scheduled days a week where I’m back and my creative side can begin to revive.
I guess I got what I’ve wanted, and I hope I’m ready.
Dropping Atlas off at his first day was the biggest non-even of my life. I’ve been worried for about the last week that I was going to break-down and sob -or- that I wouldn’t be able to leave him -or- that I was going to be told that he didn’t have a spot at the school. None of those happened.
As of 9am this morning : He’s fine. I’m fine. We’re fine.
And we’re all a little bit older with new milestones set into our paths.
When Augustine went off to preschool for the first day, I don’t remember knowing so soundly that Jade and I had dropped off our last baby (we weren’t planning on any more children at the time). But with Atlas it really does feel like we are some sort of empty-nester-couple. We’ve officially gone through out last experience as the parents of an infants. We’ll never be raising a kid younger than Atlas and every day he is a bit older.
I know this is obvious, but somehow having him hit the mark being old enough to go to preschool really drives this home – sets an exact date and time of his ‘aging up’.
Day-by-day, these past 19 months as parents (and 16 months as personally being primary parent) have been challenging. Year-by-year though, I can’t believe it’s over and (while I in no way think I have it in my to go through it again and am honestly very surprised I ever had in in me and shocked we all survived the first go-round) I do want to have held on tighter, even though I know I couldn’t have.
I grew older today. I gained a lot, but I passed through a doorway that both lead me where I’ve been wanting to go and also took something small but indescribable from me.
I’m definitely someone who wants everything all at once. So this trade is frustrating.
Still, I got what I’ve been pining for over the last year+ so I better live this up for all its worth.