Augustine cussed. Not like – ‘baby said a bad word’. No. Augustine actually fully cussed – choosing specific ‘bad words’ to express her emotions and formatting them into a coherent sentence.
Sure, it’s only happened twice, but she did it so well that it really seems more like a lifestyle choice….and I’m not in love with that for her.
I Care Because You Care
There was a time a few years ago when I turned to Jade and said, ‘cussing really makes everything sound better’ No, I was way more specific. I wasn’t talking about Damn – which is barely a curse words – or shit – which I actually don’t like to hear or use. I was talking about Fuck.
‘Saying ‘Fuck’ makes everything better.’ That’s what Jade and I agreed on, and not only in theory…we practiced what we preached. Gratuitously using fuck at every hangout…and at least once in every story.
But think about it : The fact that I felt the need in my late 20’s to have a conversation about “how great a part of speech fuck is” says a lot about my feelings on the word cussing. I needed to get an audience to support my growing use of a word that I was raised to belive was on par with…well, not murder…but saying ‘fuck’ was at least as bad a petty theft.
And here I was, nearly 30, slippin’ snicker’s in my jeans pocket every day, around everyone I knew…and feeling good about it – actually feeling great, but I needed to make sure all this ‘fuck’ sounded good to the people around me as well because cussing is a minefield…
…it’d already blown up in my face twice. I was ostracized from my soccer team in my teens when I refused to cuss and I was equally excluded from business meetings when I dropped an animated fuck during a brainstorming session. So, I knew that fuck could feel good, but could also have consequences (which is actually massively appropriate for this specific word).
Cussing is so complicated – the politics of it – what using these four -or- five little words says to others about who you are and where you belong socioeconomically. Each of them is a secret handshake…letting others know we are or we aren’t on each other’s level.
And here’s the real truth…we all use these words. And, we’re all complicit in continuing to allow when, where & how someone uses these words to dictate how we feel about others.
That’s just our playfield/minefield. I’m not here to change the world though. I’m just here to make sure Augustine has every advantage that she can have…
…so, Auggie, you can’t talk like that…
It Was Just Our Regular Nightly Explosion
I don’t want to say that Augustine is predictable like Old Faithful, but without fail she’s dependable like an allergic reaction. Every day they’ll be something I do (asking about what happened at school, offering to make her a waffle, clapping) that perfectly translate to me ‘being the worst parent in the world’.
Once we’ve reached that point, there are two directions Augustine takes; the first is crying and apologizing and the second is doubling down.
On this day – she doubled down.
Not only was I the worst Dad in the world, but she’d prefer to have anyone else as her Dad. (To Augustine that’s the ultimate-slam-dunk-put-down – ‘I wish someone else was my Dad’.) Not yet fully grasping the concept on synonyms, Auggie’s explosion had hit its repeat cycle.
Luckily, Jade stepped in to back me up and together (like a dynamic duo) we sent Augustine to her room (Boom – parent high-five).
As Auggie stomped out of the room, under her breath, ‘Fuckin’ Parents’.
It was an immaculate usage of the uncontested king of curse words. I was…well, I felt many things closer to pride than anger…
- First off, way to go Augustine. You used the term fuckin‘ in the correct place while creatively inserting it into a new phrase which you created (Jade and I certainly don’t use the phrase ‘fuckin’ parents’. Congrats, this was all Auggie). I’m really proud that you understand sentence structure (at least on an elementary level).
- You used ‘fuck’ much better than I did my first time when I hit a locker and said ‘fuck book’. I guess our family is really climbing the educational later.
- Secondly, turns out…after a later repetition…Augustine didn’t actually conjugate f*ck…to her, the word is f*ckin’. Which is objectively adorable?
- Third, we can’t use that word. To be honest though, this ‘adult’ response we definately last to the reaction party.
Let’s Not Cuss
Cute and proud, but still…we had to put a stop to this.
Instinctually, my response was to sit Augustine down in some sort of serious way and say ‘you can’t cuss’, but when I played out that scenario in my head…it never worked. It’s basically a parent move that leans on intimidation and I’m just not intimidating in that way. Plus, I have nothing to back this commandment up with…
If Auggie asked, ’Why can’t I cuss?’ I’d be forced to step into the grey area of ‘no cussing’ where reasoning gets pretty thin and transparent…I don’t want to go there when I’m trying to use my parent-serious-voice…because that voice can’t allow questions…and really, why can’t we cuss?
I mean, don’t we all basically boil ‘you can’t use swear words’ down to ‘other parents will think you’re a bad kid.’ Which is true but is also pretty weak logic when so much of parent-advice is ‘don’t care what other people think about you.’ Add to that, it’s also pretty confusing to be told one thing and then see the opposite in actual practice by adults (not me but like every one of my friends).
Attempting to actually answer ‘why kids can’t cuss’ would reveal this whole double standard of language and pull back the curtain on how hypocritical parents are…and again, the ‘listen-here-missy’ voice can’t go into these sorts grey area…
…and anyway…as a parent of a 6 year-old. I think it’s a bit too early for her to learn that no one really knows what they’re doing, and a lot of things don’t make total sense.
Instead, that night-of-the-immaculate-cuss, we roped in a lesson from Bluey about only saying things that the Queen would say. (Let’s be honest Queen Elizabeth has definately said all-the-words so I’m pretty sure we’re relying on a like Queen Elsa at this point) Still, this seemed to be enough of a reason for Augustine to not cuss.
Looking back now, I’m sure Augustine wishes the conversation ended there….and I know Jade thinks it should have…but I continued it two days later. Just me and Auggie in the car, no Jade around to remind me that Augustine is only 6.
To set the scene, you have to know, I rarely play any music I like when driving with Augustine in the car. So, the fact that I had set ‘In the Middle of Love’ on loop as we drove through town meant that I was more than infatuated with the song – I was at a point of obsession where I had a borderline physical-need with the song. It was my only source of happiness for that day.
Unfortunately – for everyone – there is a fuck lyric. It’s said only once, in passing, just before the big kick into the chorus. I had never even noticed it, and, on this particular listen was in the middle of taking a deep breath so I too could launch full throated into the chorus, when Augustine stopped everything…
“Why is he singing that word?”
Dear Augustine, You didn’t know what you were setting off when you asked that. I took 20 minutes of your life that you’ll never get back. I’m sorry that I talk to you like you are a graduate student sometimes.
I pulled back the curtain
Maybe it was partially revenge for ruining the first play of what I’d expected to be dozens of plays of ‘In the Middle of Love’ Maybe it was pent up thoughts from the incident a few nights before. Maybe it was a subliminal attempt to get the hot air out of my own body…but whatever it was…I decided that mid-afternoon while coasting along 190th Street was the perfect time to layout the Truth about Cussing.
(At the time, I felt and still feel really good about this decision. Augustine has since admitted that she regrets having asked.)
You see…
…every adult curses Augustine. Some people might not use the big-bad-words, but they substitute in similar words with the same intention…and I think that stammering ‘fudge’ instead of ‘fuck’ is the same thing…because it is. It’s meant the same way….So, all adults cuss.
Most adults just don’t want kids to cuss. Even if they themselves do cuss, and even if they themselves colorfully cuss in front of kids…adults still don’t want kids to cuss. And, your mom and I might say that ‘all families have different rules’ but all the parents of the friend you are going to have will agree on this…because that’s what (air-quotes) ‘good’ parents believe.
Kids who do swear – they’re usually thought of as ‘bad’ and so they aren’t invited over for playdates or birthday parties. Parents don’t want their kids to be around ‘bad kids’.
Now, we all know that the really bad kids are usually smart enough to out-smart these sort of simple bad-kid-traps…but that’s sorta irrelevant because this no-swear-net catches some bad kids…it (and this is pretty grim) but it’s just about as accurate as fishing for tuna…sorry dolphins.
So, Augustine, what happens is : You don’t cuss…not right now. You can’t cuss – Queen Elsa wouldn’t do it and you can’t either…
(This would have been fine. I could have stopped. But I didn’t.)
…but you will.
At about 12 or 14, you’re going to start cussing around your friends. You still probably won’t cuss around your parents but you’re going to be trying out a bunch of new words to see what feels right to you and your social group…so you’ll cuss around your friends. And you’ll use all the words.
Then when you’re in your twenties, you might start using curse words around me and your Mom…but who knows, you have to make that decision. I personally just about never cuss around my parents and never plan on starting, but you-do-you.
By this point, Augustine had stopped responding…because she’s 6. But I continued, trying to bring this all home to a point.
As for music, a lot of parents don’t want their kids to hear music with curse words in it because they don’t want their kids to hear those words. But, I don’t think it’s a problem because your mom and I don’t cuss very much and especially not around you..so I didn’t think you’d have any context for the words.
I mean, there are a ton of new-to-you words in lyrics….even in the lyrics to this song there are words you’ve never heard. So I figured this would just be another word you’d let slip by.
Plus, if cursing is something just in music, something you don’t hear at home, then it has it’s own place…which is why I feel like I can play Run the Jewels around you…sometimes…when I really hyped…which is also a new to your word…when I’m really excited.
But, it’s up to you. You can decide if you don’t want to hear music where curse words are used.
You know what Augustine decided?
She decided that she didn’t want to hear curse words in music.
You know what I had to do?
Turn off my favorite song.
F**k.
Was this the right way to handle it?
I think there might be a better, less cerebral ways to address these sorts of issues in the future. There is undoubtably a benefit to not answering questions by presenting a series of tiered ‘yes’s and no’s’ depending on age…but (as I’ve said before) there’s a benefit to being actually honest about things with kids, even if it’s not convenient….at least that’s what I think.
Still, I was curious about what the experts might say about Kids & Cussing…and it turns out.
There’s nothing new in the most recent academic studies. Scientists have put hundreds of hours into research to only rediscover what we all already know…
…there is only one right way to handle kids and cussing…they don’t get to do it, until they get to be about 12 years old.
That’s the science and it’s as meager as any reason that any parent has ever pulled out of thin air.
It’s been a few weeks and Augustine has only cussed one more time…to be fair it was during a conversation that she started about how we as a family could talk about bad words. I’m not 100% sure, but I think she was getting some sort of pleasure as she sat there and said…
“There’s one word” and then mumbled to herself f..f…fu…fuckin’…Fuckin’ “There’s the ‘F’ word. And then there are more words right…I think there’s a S word too…what’s that?’
…we tabled the ’S’ conversation until she could think of the word. No need to give her more amo, even if we’ve temporarily got her safety turned on.
She has been creating her own list of bad words though, and she’s really adamant that we don’t use words on this list. I can’t for the life of me figure out exactly how she decides what goes on the list, but – for now – we can’t say…
- Stupid
- Frickin’ (sorry – every Mormon I’ve ever met)
- Holy (this one really threw us for a loop when we had to divert out plans to eat at Holy Cow BBQ)
- S-H (just those letters)
- Bloody Murder
Oh, and and music with cussing – all of that is definately on her list.